The week it was due, I remember feeling on edge. Lingering doubts, anxiety about the next five months hit me hard. There was a decision to be made. One I needed to know but avoided asking.
The date was October 28th. Abroad deposit due and I still had doubts. Inside, I knew I had to dial my parents, a dreadful call. A gut feeling left me with an inkling of the impending “no” answer.
That night, as my phone rang under my leg, I distracted my worries with a horror film. Something I had hoped to be scarier.
15 minutes into the movie, it happened. “Hey mom and dad.”
Why do you want to go abroad? And is it something you honestly want?
That moment became real. The next five months depended on my answer. And after hearing, “Ang, you still there?” I realized one thing. I had no idea what to say.
Scared. I stole a few moments before speaking. In seconds, I looked inside myself. Why did I want to go abroad?
In peering into a part of myself, I understood why abroad felt as if it were something I needed.
When I’m old, I’ll look back on my life & guaranteed, mistakes and regrets will exist. And I’m okay with that. But, abroad is something else. Not simply a regret that I didn’t go, it’s more than that. It’s my passion, something I fall in love with over & over.
A woman once wrote me, ” You’re connected to the pulse of life. It’s admirable.”
Leaving abroad behind, I’d lose that part of myself. Lose who I am. Much of myself connects to where my love lies. And abroad–culture, people, history– is where I fall in love. It’s the edge of the cliff that races my heart. A feeling I will never lose.
Abroad strikes a love inside of me I’m not willing to give up on.
Abroad is my Resfeber. Because it’s a love I need.